Monday, December 01, 2003
And back to work.
Cept now I think I weigh at least 15 pounds more than I did before I left to go home. Luckily the weekend went pretty smoothly. My family did their best to keep a positive attitude despite the fact that my brother was unable to be home for the holiday. My mom only broke into tears twice at dinner and my dad only lost it once. I was really proud of both of them. I was the rock, though. I refused to cry at any moment and when I felt the wave of sadness start to take over, I did whatever I could to block the whole thing out of my mind. By doing this, I was able to get through the weekend with a smile on my face.
My brother did call us from Baghdad on Thanksgiving evening. It was incredibly special for the four of us to be on the phone during the conversation. It was the one time during the holiday when we were all together. Thank God for that. He sounded pretty upbeat on the phone and it sounded as though he had a more comprehensive dinner then we had. So, at least he didn’t miss out. Even if he did have to eat the meal with a bunch of hardcore military boys. (kind of sounds like my fantasy)
I did end up going out on Wednesday night and wouldn’t you know it…ran into a guy that I dated awhile back. He looked amazing. His name is Mark and he is about 6” tall and 200#. Totally my type. We talked a bit outside the bar and since he arrived sober, I asked him if he would take Kelly and I home, considering that it was 2am. He took us back to my house and he and I stayed up until about 4am, talking. And kissing. Oops. Yeah, I kissed him a couple times. I mean how could I not? He’s a BIG boy. And my day to day boyfriend doesn’t kiss me that often. You understand.
Friday night, Mark took me out to dinner. We had great conversation and I got the chance to get to know him a bit better. Afterwards, he drove me (in his truck…hot) back to his house in Greenbush and we stayed up talking for most of the night. The rest of the night was spent with me in his arms. Minimal kissing, but lots of cuddling. It was nice and I really enjoyed having a big guy wrap his arms around me. However, when I woke up on Saturday morning, I remembered that I have a 4-year anniversary looming with Paul. I jumped out of bed and made him drive me home immediately.
As always, I am confused.
Paul and I are doing very well together. As friends. Breaking up doesn’t seem to be an option at the moment. I don’t think I will ever be ready to break up with him. I know we won’t be able to be friends and I’m just not ready to lose him yet. Everyone is encouraging me to be strong and has offered to stand by my side, should I choose to make the decision to become single. However, I’m just not ready. And I need everyone to have patience with me. 4 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship. And it’s damn near impossible to just end it. (big sigh)
Mark and I have been emailing this morning. I figured that there is no harm in keeping in touch with him. As long as he doesn’t get too wrapped up in the idea of “us”. As much as I love the way he feels, the last thing I want is a new boyfriend.
And there is one more thing…
Just a little catch.
Last time I was with Mark, he fucked up big time. We ended up hooking up together and things didn’t really go according to plan. It’s a long story and it ends very nastily. Maybe someday I will have the guts to write about it in here. But until then, just understand that this boy will not be going down on me any time soon. Heh heh heh. Cept he won’t be.
Happy Monday!
Cept now I think I weigh at least 15 pounds more than I did before I left to go home. Luckily the weekend went pretty smoothly. My family did their best to keep a positive attitude despite the fact that my brother was unable to be home for the holiday. My mom only broke into tears twice at dinner and my dad only lost it once. I was really proud of both of them. I was the rock, though. I refused to cry at any moment and when I felt the wave of sadness start to take over, I did whatever I could to block the whole thing out of my mind. By doing this, I was able to get through the weekend with a smile on my face.
My brother did call us from Baghdad on Thanksgiving evening. It was incredibly special for the four of us to be on the phone during the conversation. It was the one time during the holiday when we were all together. Thank God for that. He sounded pretty upbeat on the phone and it sounded as though he had a more comprehensive dinner then we had. So, at least he didn’t miss out. Even if he did have to eat the meal with a bunch of hardcore military boys. (kind of sounds like my fantasy)
I did end up going out on Wednesday night and wouldn’t you know it…ran into a guy that I dated awhile back. He looked amazing. His name is Mark and he is about 6” tall and 200#. Totally my type. We talked a bit outside the bar and since he arrived sober, I asked him if he would take Kelly and I home, considering that it was 2am. He took us back to my house and he and I stayed up until about 4am, talking. And kissing. Oops. Yeah, I kissed him a couple times. I mean how could I not? He’s a BIG boy. And my day to day boyfriend doesn’t kiss me that often. You understand.
Friday night, Mark took me out to dinner. We had great conversation and I got the chance to get to know him a bit better. Afterwards, he drove me (in his truck…hot) back to his house in Greenbush and we stayed up talking for most of the night. The rest of the night was spent with me in his arms. Minimal kissing, but lots of cuddling. It was nice and I really enjoyed having a big guy wrap his arms around me. However, when I woke up on Saturday morning, I remembered that I have a 4-year anniversary looming with Paul. I jumped out of bed and made him drive me home immediately.
As always, I am confused.
Paul and I are doing very well together. As friends. Breaking up doesn’t seem to be an option at the moment. I don’t think I will ever be ready to break up with him. I know we won’t be able to be friends and I’m just not ready to lose him yet. Everyone is encouraging me to be strong and has offered to stand by my side, should I choose to make the decision to become single. However, I’m just not ready. And I need everyone to have patience with me. 4 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship. And it’s damn near impossible to just end it. (big sigh)
Mark and I have been emailing this morning. I figured that there is no harm in keeping in touch with him. As long as he doesn’t get too wrapped up in the idea of “us”. As much as I love the way he feels, the last thing I want is a new boyfriend.
And there is one more thing…
Just a little catch.
Last time I was with Mark, he fucked up big time. We ended up hooking up together and things didn’t really go according to plan. It’s a long story and it ends very nastily. Maybe someday I will have the guts to write about it in here. But until then, just understand that this boy will not be going down on me any time soon. Heh heh heh. Cept he won’t be.
Happy Monday!
